Lost in The Multiplex

The Watermen

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  • Director Matt L. Lockhart
  • Starring Jason Mewes, Luke Guldan, Joy Glass
  • We Say alt
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    Here's a tip you won't get on “Extreme Fishing.” The best bait is made from spoilt rich kids (but you have to catch them first.)

“The Watermen” nails its colours to the mast from the off. In these first moments, a bedraggled blonde, her vest disarranged to reveal one pert breast, creeps through a reed-bed, only to be gorily harpooned and dragged off screaming. Exploitation flick ahoy.

The plot is a sort of sea-going “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Trust fund douche Trailor (Jason Mewes) goes on a fishing jaunt in the Chesapeake Bay with brothers Mike (Luke Guldan) and Bret (Tyler Johnson,) nice girl Diana (Tara Heston) and bikini-clad floozies Lisa (Joy Glass) and Chrissy (Ashley Myers.) Unfortunately, they soon run afoul of a bunch of whiskery fishermen types who like to chop up rich white folks and sell them as bait.

Writer/director Matt L. Lockhart dutifully supplies a modern ecological subtext – the polluted waters of the bay no longer supply enough fish to support the watermen, who have been forced to diversify. Otherwise, this is horror the way they used to do it back in the Sixties, sleazy, gnarly and misogynistic.

The misogyny, in particular, is breathtakingly all-pervasive. While the three guys are vividly differentiated – Trailor's a lech, Bret's an easygoing pothead and Mike is a scowling alpha male – the girls are interchangeable and utterly vapid. The nice girl, Diana, is distinguished from the other two only by being even less interesting (and the actress playing her also gives the flattest, most B-move-ish performance.)

Watermen packshotMoreover, there's a definite sense that the girls are second-class citizens. The indignities heaped upon them – torture, rape, being menaced with eels (don't ask) – are all recorded matter-of-factly, and no one seems to notice when Chrissy gets a spike through the head. But when Bret is injured, it's cause for a blurry slow-motion sequence and the sobbing of violins.

One ought to thoroughly disapprove. And yet … dare one say it? … and yet there's something refreshing about the sheer lack of hypocrisy, as well as Lockhart's fidelity to the shabby appeal of those old drive-in shockers. In addition, Lockhart does well with the somewhat flimsy premise, turning what is basically just a bunch of guys in sou'westers into a memorably dark and nameless menace. Without going down the supernatural route, he makes these tough old sea-dogs, squelching around in their wellies and mumbling their unintelligible argot, credibly hard to kill, and the action sequences are exciting without being hyperbolic.

Probably not a good movie for a first date, then, but if you're a B-movie addict, you might want to point your tiller in the direction of “The Watermen.”

Julian White

Julian White

'Lost in the Multiplex's' very own Lord of the Flea-pit, Julian White writes on film and horror for various sites and magazines, as well as blogging about cult movies. He plans to publish a long horror novel called 'The Diviners' just as soon as the strange voice coming from the filing cabinet stops dictating revisions. He currently lives in the 1980s.

Website: diabolicalcinema.blogspot.com

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